We were driving to Port Isaac (Portwenn for the fans) so Ewan could kiss Martin Clunes when it all went down. I was asleep in the back of the butchers van when I was woken up by this massive crash. I stumble past the beef burgers to see Ewan sat behind the wheel all jittery and high. Turns out he was trying to make a finger painting and ended up sniffing all the poster paint. While indulging in this sick act he claimed to have knocked down a six foot tall Hedgehog.
So we get out of the van and traipse around the back. I've got this big meat clever in one hand and a pack of matches in the other just in case the hedgehog is real and Ewan hasn't spilled all his brain cells onto his collage.
We get near the back and this muffled groaning comes from down the road so we peak round the bumper and see this old geezer laying the road. Halo off one side, robe covered in shit. It's clear we've run over a Saint but I'm just glad I don't have to face pummel a giant hedgehog. So things are looking up.
We edge over to this Saint and tried everything to get him breathing again. Ewan's finger painting worked for a few minutes but all this guy's guts were hanging out so there wasn't much we could do. I managed to capture his last words on tape which I won't repeat now. I'll save them until I get back to the studio and cook them in with a good beat and some vintage jazz.
After we buried the Saint in the adjacent field we ran into Bill Oddie and his Springwatch crew. They gave us a bit of lip for not wearing wellingtons after dark but after I sucker punched some humour into Oddie they did a bunk off into the woods. I think their sound guy tripped over Ewan's makeshift headstone so he was a bit sad about that. Still, we gave the guy a good send off. Ewan left him the finger painting and the good thing is that because he was a Saint we were automatically forgiven so it all worked out. These things do.
The only problem was that when we got back to the truck we found a massive dent in the front grill. Now, it;s hard to talk about what happened next and I'm still not over it. All of a sudden I feel this gun like object in my back and turn around to see this six foot tall Hedgehog pointing an M16 at my forehead. He demanded we give him my cape because he liked the stitching and any badger meat we had in the van.
I've never been so scarred in my entire life. I tired the matches on him but my hyperventilating kept blowing them out. Then out of nowhere, halo askew, comes the Saint. He proceeds to beat the shit out of the Hedgehog. I mean he went to town on that guy. There was blood and spikes everywhere. Turns out the Hedgehog stole the door off his greenhouse and he wasn't having any of it. He'd been tracking the bitch for six months and finally had him cornered when Ewan twatted them both in the back.
In my eighty years I've never seen anything like this, and I hope I never do again. The look that Saint gave us the before he padded off into the woods was nothing short of sinister. He hiked off saying he had to go sort out Bill Oddie for pinching all the rivets in his submarine.
After he had gone I just passed out and when I came to it was morning. It was as if the nights occurrences had never happened. Pretty spooky, but when I turned on my tape recorder the words, 'Twats, twats, twats', were still clearly audible.
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