Much Ado About Something

We we're spending the day at Borough Market down in London Bridge when it kicked off. It always seems that this is the case, but there are a lot of legs in the world ergo much kicking is to follow.

It all started when Ewan accidentally shortchanged this Guy by thirty-three pence. A simple mistake after you've just suffered from a stroke and a bout of NHS. Seriously you should see Ewan, he looks like Droopy after a face transplant, and it's so funny. It's great because we keep getting sympathy tips and free chocolate baskets. Anyway, we recount this Guy out his change but he isn't having any of it, so I popped it all in my back pocket for later. I figured I'd spend it on a doughnut to relax my fat muscles before the gig. This just sends the Guy into a spiral of rage. Not only does he now want the change back but he also starts highlighting the cholesterol distress a jam doughnut could have on my stomach. No one needs that especially before a show.

Now at the time I wasn't sure if this Guy was Shakespeare or just a lookalike but he had the outfit on so it could've gone either way. So when he pulled out his rapier and threatened to gut me I joked that we could use him in the van. Since Ewan came out of hospital his slashing has been about as accurate as a drunk pissing on his dignity. Had I been sure of his identity I would have offered him the utmost respect but it turns out this Guy was nothing more than an Impostor.

As I stared at this fool prancing around the fruit stand and Ewan watched him shuffling around by the pies he mutters the word 'Duel'. I'm in a pickle, I haven't picked up a sword since my Aunt Betty's funeral but a crowd was gathering and the performer in me was asking to be freed. What I did was to procure the Imposter's gloves and then slap him with them, which I took to be the customary declaration of a duel. Turns out a simple 'All right', would have done. Now everyone is watching and it gets all quiet. The Impostor raises his sword and is like, 'The fool accepts, let the setting sun proclaim our battle and wash the stalls with accompanying light.' I'm like, 'Cool, six at the Globe, bingo'. It's so on now.

I shoot off to buy myself that doughnut and flog some of Ewan's stroke medicine when I realise that something is amiss. Then it hits me, a stray shard of ice from the fishing counter but it's enough to jolt a thought from my inner workings. The duel is going to clash with my gig that I have lined up at the annual Shakespeare Lookalike Contest. Blast, another pickle. I felt like a man standing in a world full of soup with nothing but a fork, and all the soup is shit.

While musing on this dilemma I get thinking about the big man, Jeremy Beadle, and wonder what he would do in this situation. That's right, he'd play a prank but lacking a joke shop and the mental capacity for such a task I decided to just wing it with some magic. No slight of hand as that wasn't part of Jeremy's teachings, I figured I'd just go for a general atmospheric exuding and see if things would sort themselves out.

So the sun starts to set, Ewan is passed out on the floor of the van and I head off to the gig. I've got all my cassettes and floppy disks and I'm the mood to rock. It was incredible. The sight of five hundred Shakespeare wannabes dancing to my mash up of Fun House and the title track from 'The Road To Eldorado', is a sight that will always be with me because I had my Polaroid handy.

As I'm finishing up my set with the Beadle Mix the Impostor swings onto the stage brandishing his sabre. He does a few cartwheels and gets all acrobatic and shit before bowing low enough for a hefty boot in the face. That's when I went all Zorro on him and chopped off his confidence. This got him all teary eyed so I ended things by smashing a first edition of Midsummer Nights Dream across his brow. The sun set mesmerizingly on my victory applause that was later confirmed as being heard as far abroad as Peckham.

As I was packing up my gear I was greeted by the Lookalike King who granted me the title of Honorary Bard and said I had done them a great service in defeating the Impostor as he had been stealing all the buttons off peoples shoes. He also set me up with a gig at the Annual Coleen Nolan Lookalike Debacle as his wife chairs the quiche committee for them. Should be an easy gig, instead of playing music I'm just going to set up a table loaded with Gin and take things easy with a good book.