Midget Boy and his Taps

It's late; we'd been gigging it hard all morning so Ewan and I were taking a break. We just wanted some time to ourselves, away from the crowds. So we were sat on this wall on the High Street in Lancaster, eating French fries out of British cardboard when this Midget struts over.

I've seen midgets before but none like this. The guy was wearing a Keira Knightley t-shirt and twirling this umbrella around. He's trying to make eye contact with Ewan which is tricky at the best of times, and indeed the worst, and when their eye balls lock he waddles over and starts trying to be clever.

After his stand up routine failed to get going, he gets all violent and starts claiming that Jesus was a dinosaur and that is why they went extinct. I'm tired and grouchy, Ewan's crying and we both just want to chill and eat our dinner, but this guy won't quit. He then moves onto his views about whales and begins prodding me with his stupid umbrella. So I lose it. I know this has been happening a lot but it goes with the territory. No one has a stress free tour without a bit of bloodshed and awkward questioning.

So, I've lost it. I mean really lost it. I'm livid. So what happens? That's right, slavery. It was the only way the situation would resolve itself. I grab my pocket net out of my boot and throw it over the little bugger. He starts yelling and blaspheming but because he was small he went down quickly. I gave him a rusk and after a few bites he slumped back unconscious.

So the next day, we set him a few tasks. Nothing too strenuous, we aren't cruel. I ask him to get me some new batteries for my Gameboy 'cos I'm having a sweet Tetris run and they come once a lifetime. Not only does he lose all the change I gave him, he gets his head stuck in a drain. Ewan's running around crying again and it's clear this isn't working out. I turn to Ewan who has instantaneously calmed down and is doing some cartwheels and after a quick conference we decide to sell the little guy.

It all went pretty smoothly. Once we got him out of the drain a band of free range plumbers arrived to do a task we had already completed. Luck would have it they were looking for a fundamentalist to read bedtime stories to their taps. So tuppence changed hands and that was that. Me and Ewan got our French fries and a warehouse of taps got a good nights sleep.