It took me about three weeks but I managed to isolate all the sound waves from the Beadle's About theme and shove them into a brain mix to come up with the most funked up television theme tune remix of all time.
I bitch bummed it onto a CD and took it down to the local carboot sale to try it out. No joke, it went down like a flaming sack of shit. Everyone was tapping their feet until they were alight. Even the guy with the microphone selling the tea towels had to sit down and crack open a pack of his own wet wipes, and I could see Ewan up in his butcher's wagon head banging so hard he smashed up his eyelids on a fresh batch of Cumberland sausages.
There was even this one bloke crying his tears out and getting all nostalgic. I think he was lovers with dear Jeremy at one point. Amidst the blubbing I think he said that the moment he knew it was love was when Jeremy Beadle magicked him up a jelly bean and a long line of handkerchiefs, but at the same time he had to see his gnarly Beadle hand and knew it couldn't be. He blubbed that having foetus fingers was a turn off because it gave him flash backs of the womb where his mum used to smoke on cigarettes and yell the lyrics to 'Going Underground' at him. I've never seen a man so broken and that's without his wheelchair. Which did have a sweet bag for life swung over the back so cock knows what he's crying for.
Anyway, the plan is for me and Ewan to go on tour with the track and rock up some local fetes and the odd planning committee or two. We're gonna use Ewan's butching wagon because it has some sleeping space under the shrimps but mainly because my car bonnet got crushed by some rancid bird shit. Plus the wagon has this sweetnip sound system I installed so we can yell out all the steak offers.
Yeah, so we are going on the road with the Beadle Remix, catch you on the news fans.
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