Ewan Stole My Jelly Babies

I'm so sick of this damn tour. Sick I tell you. First we get a flat tyre outside reading and Ewan nobbled one of his wooden legs trying to change it so we had to spend three weeks in a hospital waiting room because he wasn't deemed 'Critical'. The Nurse was all like, "Yeah but his brain is functioning, he hasn't lost any blood and he isn't in any pain." I said, "You've been watching to much damn ER and that this isn't Chicago, it's Reading so sort it. And as for the pain." At which point I sucker punched Ewan in his mouth hole and he exploded into a haze of flowers. Although that might have been due to the oxygen I pinched from this old geezer Ralph who has face syphilis, because when I looked down there was blood on my tuxedo.

That's not the worst of it. When we get back to the steak wagon Ewan was so doped up on pain killers and cheese that I had to don the apron and serve up some fresh cuts while he was curled up in the corner having delightful nightmares.

Then out of the blue, Mrs. Bubble turns up wearing a Jeremy Beadle t-shirt, waving a flag saying she is our biggest fan. Now I'm all for groupies but the thought of a naked Bubble shakes the spine. So I tell her to go get me some Jelly Babies and we'll call it quits.

So if the day isn't odd enough to begin with, I finally find Ewan has woken up and is sat out the back on an upturned petrol can reading a gymnastics book. Which is pretty sweet because Ewan has one of those memory things where he can replicate things after seeing them. He shows me how to pull off a mean handstand while he does a few somersaults but because he's still doped up he gets dizzy and throws up all over the gravel.

Now this is where things get fucky. I can't help but notice that amongst the bits of cheese and sick goo there are little jelly heads floating about. I'm like, "WHAT THE FUCK!" He doesn't even have an answer but I can see it in his spaced out eyes what's going on so there is nothing for it and I have to break his jaw again, but this time there aren't any flowers, there's only pain.

I feel so betrayed, and just so you can feel my sympathy let me tell you how much I love Jelly Babies. Right, I LOVE JELLY BABIES! They are awesome, I've been scoffing them for well over twenty five years and they still rock. So when I am promised some Jelly Babies and all I get is a somersault and some sick, I'm getting Hulk on that shit. I can't help it; it's more of a disease than anything. I just see the red musk and by then it's too late. Even still, Ewan knew what would happen. He knows I'd never steal his pickled onion Monster Munch so his jaw was fair game.

So I'm back in the hospital and the Nurse is getting all sarky so I'm keeping an eye out for Ralph and his oxygen tank while Ewan gets his bones replaced. I've had to book an appointment because the other day my face starts aching and I've got a huge rash on my chin. Now I'm no scientist, (Despite the four years I spent at CERN) but I'm pretty sure this is not what happens when you go on a self-pitying Jelly binge. Wait, gotta go Ralph's just staggered in and he's all drunk so I'm just gonna pinch some of his oxygen and play Tetris. It's so cool, I modded up my Gameboy so it can use the Internet as well.

Hospitals aren't so bad really, the Nurse just slipped on some of Ewan's babbling.

Ciao. (That's how you spell it correctly Ewan, you dumb fuck)