Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Hello Fans, I cannot bare to see hurt on your pretty little faces so I am going to be honest with you.  I am currently having a shit.  That's right.  Blogging on the toilet, it is the way forward.  With it being Jeremy Beadle Month I've been too busy to relate to you my humble goings on.  I have therefore taken it upon myself to use this current time to dump my thoughts onto your ever-impressionable mind meanderings.

For this week's entertaining tale I will be recounting to you the story of Ewan's unfortunate accident.  This week poor Ewan was squashed under a tree.  The outcome being that his shop was closed and all the bacon went stale.  He is...

Hang on.

Shit! Someone's just broken into the flat.  Can you email the police on this thing?  How does it work?  Login?  There isn't time.

SOMEONE HELP! I'M BEING BURGLED!

I'm too much of a nervous shitter to yell for help.  I've only just plucked up the courage to get in here today.  If he finds me here things could get ugly.  I'm very uneasy about this whole event.  What do you do?  Better make the best of this situation and get on with things.  Fingers crossed his tastes lie in stamp money and Rice Krispies Squares instead of vintage cassette tapes.

So anyway, Ewan was strolling past the Church when this big old birch tree uprooted itself and fell on top of him.  Typical Ewan.  The Church in question was in the process of being fumigated due to its parishioner infestation so he was without aid.  Three days Ewan lay dying under that tree.  We all thought he had taken a surprise holiday, as is his want.  He had been discussing Hull for a few days so we naturally thought he had tripped off up the A1.

Luckily Mike was hunting for road kill at the time and saw something was amiss.  They dragged Ewan off to hospital and he has been there ever since.  Shame, he missed the Jeremy Beadle Lookalike Contest.  The entrants showed pure dedication, mangled hands, magic, the lot.  It's good to keep the memory alive.  In a tear filled ceremony we ended up giving everyone joint first.  Except for Miss Bubble who had to be disqualified for tampering with the opposition's wigs.  It is such a disgrace when...

I can hear a clanking, a rattle of hands against metal.  HOLY SUGARSCROTES!  He's got my Casio MT-600.  I have to get out of here.

Phew, he's put it down, and, is, making himself some tea.  Bastard, he didn't even offer to make me one! That is the last straw.

Sorry fans, I must put a stop to this, no one steals a Mix Master's Keyboard and gets away with it.  Let's pray this doesn't go all Pulp Fiction as we have got Beadlefest Planned for next Saturday.  Bye.

FLUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!