Some Stuff Went Down

It was Tuesday.  Ewan and I were sat behind the shop having a smoke and enjoying the afternoon sunshine.  I'd spent the last six hours trying to work up a rhythm on this old Pringles Can but they don't make them like they used to and the beat was flat.

All of a sudden Mike the Shite runs up.  He gets his nickname because he works down at the dump selling off road kill and stolen electronics.  I'm like, "Chill out you daft shit, what's up?"  He gets all panicky and confers to us the news that some stupid kid fell down the East Street Well.  I look at Ewan and the fear rushes into his eyes.  You see Ewan fell down the same well a few years back.  He never talks about it, when we dragged him out he was delirious and the only words he could utter were, "Ogre and cheeseboard".  So we aren't exactly sure what happened.  It was still enough to frighten him into the sanatorium for a summer.

These were pretty minor thoughts as I was already on my feet following the crowd down to the edge of town.  Not much happens in Lower Upper Tollwoodford, so a boy stuck in a well is a great excuse for a party.  

Mike is head of the local brass band so his Guys were already strutting up and down East Street with their crowns on playing the William Tell Overture and the theme from Quantum Leap.  The Fire Brigade were in the process of lowering a down a rescue attempt when things went wrong.  All of a sudden we heard these screams.  Not, 'I've burnt my thumb on the oven' screams.  These were worse.  Blood curdling screams of horror came thundering up from the bowels of the earth.  This Fireman comes scrambling up the well with his legs all slashed up stinking of Camembert.  It was like something out of a comedy film.

The Fireman turns to us and is like, "It's real, the Cheeseboard is real."  Ewan tears off down the street yelling and that's when it hit us all that things were serious.  The Mayor showed up and decreed that only a Mix Master would have the beats to take down something of this magnitude.  Turns out I was the only one on call, so I dusted down the record collection and bravely descended into the pit.

I'll be honest, I wasn't terrified, but as the warm sound of the Leap faded out of hearing I got a bit nervous, though this was partly because I had left my record deck back in the shop.  Anyway, I got down and found that this well was more like a cavern.  In fact it was a cavern.  From up above Mike yells down that the Eclipse is coming and that if I'm not out in five minutes then I'll get trapped down here forever.

That didn't sound like a good thing and I didn't want anything to kill my buzz so I set up shop on this massive Ogre skeleton and waited.  I start playing Spice World in its entirety to instill a response from the Cheeseboard or whatever it was I was supposed to be doing in this fucking hole when the Kid shows up.  Apparently he was, "Chasing his football and sort of tripped."  I said, "I'll show you a fucking trip, try some of this."  So I pass him a smoke and then we both see the Evil Cheeseboard smirking at us from the shadows.

That gurgling bastard was one mean sack of stench.  Predominantly a strong Cheddar, you know the kind?  The stuff that is so mature it takes like farm.  Well this was worse.  He tried to drown out 'Wannabe', with his roar but I wasn't having any of it.  I launched into, 'Who Do You Think You Are', and that sealed the matter.  There was this bang and the next thing I know there was cheese dripping from the ceiling and bits of wood forcibly embedded into the stalactites.  It seems the Girls had done their job and I was free to become the local town hero.

I dragged that stupid Child and his football out the well just in time.  I had saved the day but it was close.  The Eclipse came shooting over and we all made a wish. Then the cheers broke out.  Miss Bubble took her top off; much to the distress of the neighbourhood and the Mayor decreed that today would be appropriately known as Geri Halliwell Day after the town's favourite Spice Girl.  There was much celebration and drinking.  Mike rummaged out a medal that was presented to me and I was bestowed with the title, 'Supreme Honourary Lord Defender of the Village'.

Ten minutes later the excitement was over and I was back at work.  I flipped over this old oil drum and started composing a beat for the new track.  It sounded a bit like Quantum Leap but then again it didn't.  Who knows, I gave up and decided the day would be best spent sun bathing and trying to cheat Ewan out of Pokemon Cards.

P.S. Ewan found his damn sheep.  The fucker was hiding behind a wall or something.